Whoopie, blow job, pearl necklace, head. Blumpkin, doggy, BDSM! It sounds like Suessical the porno. If you’ve heard most of the terms in our little sexy rhyme, you might be an expert when it comes to sexual slang. Usually, when something evolves, it becomes more sophisticated. Sadly, this doesn’t really apply to the language of banging, fuckbuddies, or fornication. We’ve scoured the internet, millennial twitter feeds, and Urban Dictionary for some of the silliest modern slangs for sexual acts. Buckle up. It’s a bouncy ride.
[Related: So, What Is a Foot Fetish?]
Of course we planned on explaining what a blumpkin is to you. If you don’t already know, brace yourself. It’s the act of receiving a blowjob while also taking a dump. People who enjoy this activity explain that the sensation of taking a dump is so gratifying, that when combined with a blowjob, the man is sent into an intense feeling of pleasure. It makes sense as there are orgasmic spots in the male rectum, but we can’t get over the fact that another person would be watching someone else take a dump! Also, the smell can’t be nice.
Booty dust is used to describe the sparkle that a guy has all over his lap after receiving a lapdance from a stripper. More often than not, a stripper (if she is wearing any clothing at all) is wearing some cheap sparkly outfit that sheds glitter everywhere. This glitter-shedding is heightened while the stripper is grinding herself and her glittery panties against a man’s crotch. We can always get behind a sparkly crotch!
While this sounds like a tasty snack, this is a really silly name for the residue left on a person’s penis after he performs anal sex on another person. It’s something that happens quite often. What doesn’t seem so common is the use of this term. However, it’s a term that exists and we love it!
This is a term used to describe an unusually large gaping nature of a female’s vagina. It’s a not-so-nice term to describe a female who has a lot of sexual partners. We must say, we support and encourage anyone who wants many sexual partners to go after his/her dreams. Needless to say, we are not in love with this term. We assume that the reference has something to do with a hole that has seen a lot of hot dogs.
DSLs and PELs
This is one that you’ve likely heard before. DSLs and PELs are acronyms for “Dick Sucking Lips” and “Pussy Eating Lips.” These terms are usually used to describe someone with large luscious lips. Large lips usually make for pretty good oral sex, which is why people who are genetically lucky enough to recieve large lips (or those who have enhanced their lips with injections or plastic surgery) are referred to as people who have DSLs or PELs.
We’re not going to lie, we think this one is pretty cute. A minivan is a term used to describe putting two fingers inside a female’s vagina while also fisting that female’s asshole. Asshole fisting requires some intense talent and we’re a little afraid to see what this looks like in person, but we love the name. Why? Because a minivan has two seats in the front and five in the back. The sexual position includes two fingers in the front and a fist (or five fingers) in the back. Don’t you just love it?
This is another fairly commonly used term. If you haven’t heard it, it refers to a male ejaculating on a woman’s upper-chest (close to her neck). If performed correctly, the woman should end up with a line of dripping white semen on her chest/neck which would resemble a pearl necklace. Would a woman rather have real pearls? Probably.
This is a term that we had never heard of before Urban Dictionary. Apparently, it is used to describe a Mormon contest. Two straight Mormon men lock eyes while simultaneously giving each other handjobs. Basically, the point of this contest is to see who can withstand an orgasm the longest. The man who ejaculates first loses this standoff and is (according to the contest) described as gay. We think that, no matter how you slice it, two men jacking each other off is pretty gay all around.
This is one of the more dangerous moves on our list, and when performed, it can be very shocking. During missionary sex with the man on top, that man (the alligator) bites the neck of his female partner, holds her down (with consent), and sticks a finger in her anus… all while continuing to penetrate her vagina. It honestly sounds like a magic trick that not even Houdini could master.