How to Tell a Guy You Want a Boyfriend (Not a Fuckbuddy)

So, you’ve done the unthinkable and caught some feelings for your fuckbuddy that you met on BuddyBang or another fuck site. It’s a really difficult situation for any women to be in, because joining and establishing a fuckbuddy relationship is like signing a NSA agreement for a relationship that does not go beyond the bedroom. However, when two people spend intimate time together, sleep together, and engage in some innocent pillow talk, it can be very easy for them to fall for each other.

Unfortunately, in most circumstances that aren’t a romcom flick, those feelings are usually one-sided. Various studies have shows that these unrequited feelings come from the woman rather than the man in a fuckbuddy relationship. Though some people believe that the idea that a woman falls for men she sleeps with due to Oxytocin is simply a rumor, there is some validity to it.

The Oxytocin myth is described by a woman’s emotional attraction to a man based on the emittance of the attractive chemical Oxytocin during a post-sex cuddle. Oxytocin-induced or not, you’ve found yourself in the position of having feelings for your FWB, and you either know he doesn’t feel the same way, or you aren’t sure. So, how do you tell him that you want a boyfriend and not a fuckbuddy?

[Related: Signs You’ve Caught Feelings for Your Fuckbuddy]

First, you’ll want to decide if you should even tell your fuckbuddy in the first place. If you think you have feelings for your fuckbuddy, but know that he only wants a FWB relationship with you and nothing more, you may want to re-evaluate your crush or cut the relationship off altogether.

If you aren’t 100% sure about your feelings and often find yourself falling hard for men that are not available, this ‘crush’ you have on your fuckbuddy could be just that, a crush. Damaging a good thing with a deep conversation about taking things to the next level may backfire and ruin a pretty good thing you have going with your fuckbuddy! If you’ve determined that your feelings are serious and that your fuckbuddy doesn’t feel the same way, you’ll want to cut the relationship off altogether. It sounds harsh, but you don’t want to put yourself in a position to feel unnecessarily hurt. It’s going to feel so much better to end the fuckbuddy relationship with dignity rather than spilling your guts to a guy who doesn’t really deserve your time or energy.

If you have figured out that a) you’ve got deep feelings for your fuckbuddy, and b) there’s a chance that he might feel the same way, then you’ve got an impending conversation (or conversations) on your hands that you’ll need to engage your fuckbuddy in. But, what do you say? In reality, you’ve allowed this guy to be intimate without any responsibility, which is completely ok for a FWB relationship! But, once you’ve given away your intimacy and have only required the same in return, it’s not so easy to steer men in the direction of boundaries and emotional commitment.

Before you get into any of that, you’ll want to talk about the obvious: Does he feel the same way? It’s a hard thing to go out and just ask, but trust us, this is going to save you a ton of grief and emotional strain if you simply get this question out of the way. This is because if he tells you point-blank that he doesn’t feel the same way, you know you need to cut off the relationship and move on. Conversely, if he says that he’s experiencing feelings as well, you can move forward in the direction of having a real relationship.

After establishing that you both want something more, you’ll need to set some boundaries and let your fuckbuddy-with-feelings know that some things are going to change for the better in the relationship because you now require a level of emotional commitment that you didn’t before. This does not mean that you guys have to be exclusive right away (unless that’s what you need to feel secure in the relationship), it simply means that the FWB aspect of the relationship needs to deepen, change, and grow.

You’ll want to express this without sounding demanding or laying on too much pressure. Remember, this guy entered into a situation in which no pressure was required, so he may not know the correct way to handle pressure if you lay it on too thick. If you are having trouble finding the words, try putting it like this, “I love what we have had, but I know that I need something more from you and that you’ll need something more from me. In order to start this new chapter, we’ll need to give the emotional aspect of this relationship a chance to grow in the way the sexual aspect has. Don’t worry, the changes are easy.” This shows that you have a firm hand, know what you want, but are also willing to give your partner some time and space to adjust and grow with you.

Once you’ve established your new boundaries, you’ll want to give the conversation some time to marinate into your fuckbuddy’s mind. Don’t kick a dead horse. In other words, keep this conversation short and sweet. Let him do his own growing and allow him space to think, fall for you, and express his own feelings about the situation. Embark on this new journey together, as a team. This will set you and your fuckbuddy up to have the amazing relationship you both deserve.